Live blogging DMX’s video, “Party Up In Here.”

posted by hervatski on Mon, 01/24/2011 - 00:00

 

Good establishing shot.  DMX needs some cash.  DMX is FUCKING FURIOUS that he can’t get 40 bucks .  He also forgot his card.  How’s he going to buy his shit at Ralphs without his card?

The best part is he’s literally slamming the teller window and screaming at them to suck his dick.  Beautiful.  I’m going to try that one day at Chase.  “What do you mean you don’t have 3 dollar bills!?!?  SUCK MY DICK!!!”

He finally realizes he’s in a room with people all on the ground.  Doesn’t fucking matter, he wants his GODDAMN 40 BUCKS!  Now he’s helping the security guard, as he raps.  I love how he’s rapping over people.  And the police automatically start shooting at the man who’s helping the security guard.

He’s now rapping into a security camera, he’s obviously high as hell as he’s telling the cops he’s going to smack them with his kryptonite dick.   I don’t know, if I were the cops, I’d start lobbing tear gas.

Now he’s called the cop’s girlfriend a ho.  He’s cursing way too much for the cop’s liking.  They’re storming the place.  Now he’s got a plan, he’s going up.  And…now he’s calling his friend who’s in a car full of dancing women.  I wish I had a friend who just drove around the city with a truck full of chicks.

The cops are now confused.  He’s on the roof rapping.  That’s the perfect escape plan.

“Cops are chasing me!!!”
“START RAPPING!”

Now he’s dropped off the side of the building on a steel cable, and didn’t rip in half.  That’s almost more insane than him screaming at the tellers for 40 bucks.

The video’s over.  I love this song though.  It gets you real pumped, makes you think you can do anything.  Like when I’m too lazy to take a shower?  I just turn on this song, start saying something about rough riders, and fuck man, I’m lathering up like a mutha fucka!

The bird man and slammy mc slammerstein…

posted by hervatski on Wed, 11/24/2010 - 22:36

So rounding my apartment complex…er…4 plex? 6 plex? The place I live, you come upon a giant bird feeder. It’s not so giant, but about 10 birds fly suddenly away when you walk down the pathway. I kept wondering who the fuck keeps feeding the birds. I mean, these aren’t inside birds. You can’t call to your parakeet and have it fly to you. These are wild things. You come within 10 feet and they fly the fuck away. So why even have a bird feeder? So you can stare at the birds from far away? That’s why they have the internet! Anywho, I kept wondering who lived there, till I came home one day and saw a somewhat mean looking old dude with a scraggly beard enter the apartment. Either he was breaking in with his own set of keys, or he lived there. Either way, the guy looked scary. Like the shovel dude from home alone, but with darker hair, and in Huntington Beach. The guy kinda scared me, but I think I can make friends with him. Next door is slammy mc slammerstein. This chick only knows one way to shut a door: by slamming the FUCK out of it. I’ve never heard her come home and close the door. The thing is, all the doors in this place close with the gentlest of ease. There’s NO resistence in any of the doors. And yet, this chick has made it her life goal to completely obliterate the door. Below is an accurate portrayal as to how this chick comes home every day:

Hippie aging neighbors, bird man, and slammy mc slammerstein.  That’s 3 of em.  The other dude is fine…for now…

Why is it so easy to make fun of the Germans?

posted by hervatski on Mon, 11/15/2010 - 00:00

If you make fun of some cultures, ethnicitys, races, faces, whatever, there sometimes will be a little backlash.  Even if you’re not serious, even if you’re using comedy as a tool with which to make a point, even if you just hate South Americans, someone has a problem with it.

But not the Germans.

You can pretty much say whatever the fuck you want about the Germans, and no one cares.  Not only do they not care, they ENCOURAGE it!  Just the other day, I mentioned to a homeless man that I thought Germans pay for their train tickets with poop, since all their porno, every last bit of it, was filled with poop.  He and the black dude next to him couldn’t stop laughing.  I mean, literally, they died because they laughed so hard.

So at their funeral, the black dude and homeless dude used to be roomates in ‘Nam so it was only fitting to have a dual funeral, I turned to this Australian guy and said I thought some Russian people wear too much clothing in the winter.  He went BALLISTIC!  “How dare you say such things about the Russians!  They are good people!” and on and on.

Ok, so not everything above really happened (the black guy didn’t die, but the homeless guy is good and gone).  But the point isn’t whether or not Australian people have sticks up their butts, it’s that no one stands up for the Germans, not even the Germans!  Was it the nazi’s?  Are Germans destined to an eternity of shit jokes because of nazism?  Did hitler royally fuck the country, even to this day?

Or do the Germans just not give a shit (no pun intended.  caca.)?  They hear us making fun of them as they get into their new Mercedes-Benz and park their butts on that fine soft leather.  They then drive off to their well paying jobs and nicely appointed homes.   Do they have it so well off that they realistically don’t give a doo doo that we sheizer them until the cows come home?  Or are we so jealous of what they have (gigantic beer steins) that we let them have it, to mask our own sadness?

Ponder this:

 

The hippies below

posted by hervatski on Sun, 10/24/2010 - 00:25

I’m pretty sure the people below me are retired hippies. Retired TRUE hippies.

A true hippie is a hippie that believes that war is always bad, and sex is always good. They are also fat, and to the dismay of the general public, believe their naked bodies are beautiful, and not…..how you say in English….disgusting.

No I have not seen them naked (I am genuinely sad that I have not)….nor do I think they are actually hippies…actually they’re more like beach rednecks. Same shit as a redneck, but instead of huntin’ coon and makin’ moonshine they hunt dollar tacos and blend margaritas.

Goddamnit and they bbq all the time….

Live Blogging a Meat Loaf Video…

posted by hervatski on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 00:32

As I was sitting here, I thought to myself, “John, who’s the ugliest, most talented man in all of music?”

Meat Loaf.

So I decided to watch one of my most favorite songs ever, “I would do anything for love.” But then I decided, fuck this, I’m live blogging it! So hit play, read what I wrote, and try not to throw up, because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

Ah a quote.  Nice.  Nice quote.

Is that a werewolf on a motorcycle?  Being chased by a helicopter?  I had a dream like this once, it ended in sex.  I had a dream about a cup of hot cocoa once too.  Didn’t end in sex, but close.

Meat Loaf lives in a minature golf course castle.

What the fuck was going through this guy’s head when he put this shit together?

“Guys, I got it.  I’m going to dress up like a werewolf, and sing in a putt-putt castle.”
“Brilliant roast beef!”
“MEAT LOAF!”

Dude, did he kill someone with a chandelier?  ROCK. AND. ROLL.

Meat Loaf is a peeping tom.  What’s this chick doing taking a bath in a water fountain?

Damn, she’s pretty hot for a homeless chick who lives in a park fountain.

I wonder if Meat Loaf has any super powers in this video.

The part of the song where it reaches a peak, is usually where people start getting it on to this song.  YOU’RE GETTING IT ON TO A VIDEO ABOUT A FAT WEREWOLF!

This bitch is crazy.  A peeping fat werewolf saw her, so she chased him down to his run down putt-putt castle.

He’s got an automatic chair!  LUCKY!!!!

How’s the guy light so many fucking candles?  I can’t turn on my fucking stove.

And now she’s sleeping in a creepy castle.  Dude, fat dog dude, RUN.  She’s fucking INSANE!

THAT I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOOOOVE!  AND YOU KNOW ITS TRUE AND THAT’S A FACT!  Love that line.  I love this chick getting it on with other chicks too.  Fat life sized cats are kinky.

I bet you Meat Loaf wouldnt’ lose weight for love.  Or give up his booth at shakeys.

How’s the overweight lion buy a house, let alone pay taxes for it?

How long has this crazy bitch been living in this house?  She’s changed like, 8 times now.  Why’s fat loaf got women’s clothes?

A FUCKING FLYING BED!

This crazy chick’s got a voice on her.  I bet you she’s living in like, Brazil now.  Crazy bitches love Brazil.  Check it on Wikipedia.

Why’s fat kitty running from the cops?  He’s got super powers!  They only got flash lights!

Why’s this video 8 freaking minutes long?  Here’s how the real video would have gone in real life:

1: Stalker werewolf peeps on hot chick
2: Cops tranq him and throw him back into the woods
3: Chubby cat goes back to pissing on trees.

VIDEO DONE!

I like the shorter one better.

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