Live blogging DMX’s video, “Party Up In Here.”

posted by hervatski on Mon, 01/24/2011 - 00:00

 

Good establishing shot.  DMX needs some cash.  DMX is FUCKING FURIOUS that he can’t get 40 bucks .  He also forgot his card.  How’s he going to buy his shit at Ralphs without his card?

The best part is he’s literally slamming the teller window and screaming at them to suck his dick.  Beautiful.  I’m going to try that one day at Chase.  “What do you mean you don’t have 3 dollar bills!?!?  SUCK MY DICK!!!”

He finally realizes he’s in a room with people all on the ground.  Doesn’t fucking matter, he wants his GODDAMN 40 BUCKS!  Now he’s helping the security guard, as he raps.  I love how he’s rapping over people.  And the police automatically start shooting at the man who’s helping the security guard.

He’s now rapping into a security camera, he’s obviously high as hell as he’s telling the cops he’s going to smack them with his kryptonite dick.   I don’t know, if I were the cops, I’d start lobbing tear gas.

Now he’s called the cop’s girlfriend a ho.  He’s cursing way too much for the cop’s liking.  They’re storming the place.  Now he’s got a plan, he’s going up.  And…now he’s calling his friend who’s in a car full of dancing women.  I wish I had a friend who just drove around the city with a truck full of chicks.

The cops are now confused.  He’s on the roof rapping.  That’s the perfect escape plan.

“Cops are chasing me!!!”
“START RAPPING!”

Now he’s dropped off the side of the building on a steel cable, and didn’t rip in half.  That’s almost more insane than him screaming at the tellers for 40 bucks.

The video’s over.  I love this song though.  It gets you real pumped, makes you think you can do anything.  Like when I’m too lazy to take a shower?  I just turn on this song, start saying something about rough riders, and fuck man, I’m lathering up like a mutha fucka!

I hate the honor roll…

posted by hervatski on Wed, 12/01/2010 - 22:56

I always hated the fucking thing.  I enjoyed school well enough, specifically the portions devoted to eating, and then playing after you ate.  But when it came to academics, I was out of my element, donnie.

I understand things well enough, I’m not an idiot.  Infact, some have called me, “Look at this asshole…is he the smartest man ever or something?  Get the fuck out of my way, dipshit!”

And as the smartest man ever or something, I think it’s my duty to state my opinion on the honor roll…

Fuck you honor roll.

Is that an opinion?  Or FACT.  I hated the pressure, which was funny, because you didn’t have to try much to get second honors or whatever.  Getting a 3.0 wasn’t too hard.  a 3.6 a stretch, and a 4.0 only exists in the minds of children.

I hated that stupid certificate, though I do remember taping each one to the wall of my room once I started getting them in about the 4th grade.  Up until the 4th grade they pinpointed why I was doing so badly in school due to the fact that I didn’t know how to operate a book, and that paper won’t attack me if I turned my gaze elsewhere.

One day if I have kids I’m going to purposefully teach them incorrectly so they never get one of those stupid awards.

“Dad, what’s the capital of Kansas?”

“Russia.”

“Dad, what’s a prism?”

“It’s where you send bad people.”

“Dad, can we go over the multiplication table?”

“That’s a sin.”

“Dad, I got on the honor roll!”

“Russia.”

The hippies below

posted by hervatski on Sun, 10/24/2010 - 00:25

I’m pretty sure the people below me are retired hippies. Retired TRUE hippies.

A true hippie is a hippie that believes that war is always bad, and sex is always good. They are also fat, and to the dismay of the general public, believe their naked bodies are beautiful, and not…..how you say in English….disgusting.

No I have not seen them naked (I am genuinely sad that I have not)….nor do I think they are actually hippies…actually they’re more like beach rednecks. Same shit as a redneck, but instead of huntin’ coon and makin’ moonshine they hunt dollar tacos and blend margaritas.

Goddamnit and they bbq all the time….

Live Blogging a Meat Loaf Video…

posted by hervatski on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 00:32

As I was sitting here, I thought to myself, “John, who’s the ugliest, most talented man in all of music?”

Meat Loaf.

So I decided to watch one of my most favorite songs ever, “I would do anything for love.” But then I decided, fuck this, I’m live blogging it! So hit play, read what I wrote, and try not to throw up, because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

Ah a quote.  Nice.  Nice quote.

Is that a werewolf on a motorcycle?  Being chased by a helicopter?  I had a dream like this once, it ended in sex.  I had a dream about a cup of hot cocoa once too.  Didn’t end in sex, but close.

Meat Loaf lives in a minature golf course castle.

What the fuck was going through this guy’s head when he put this shit together?

“Guys, I got it.  I’m going to dress up like a werewolf, and sing in a putt-putt castle.”
“Brilliant roast beef!”
“MEAT LOAF!”

Dude, did he kill someone with a chandelier?  ROCK. AND. ROLL.

Meat Loaf is a peeping tom.  What’s this chick doing taking a bath in a water fountain?

Damn, she’s pretty hot for a homeless chick who lives in a park fountain.

I wonder if Meat Loaf has any super powers in this video.

The part of the song where it reaches a peak, is usually where people start getting it on to this song.  YOU’RE GETTING IT ON TO A VIDEO ABOUT A FAT WEREWOLF!

This bitch is crazy.  A peeping fat werewolf saw her, so she chased him down to his run down putt-putt castle.

He’s got an automatic chair!  LUCKY!!!!

How’s the guy light so many fucking candles?  I can’t turn on my fucking stove.

And now she’s sleeping in a creepy castle.  Dude, fat dog dude, RUN.  She’s fucking INSANE!

THAT I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOOOOVE!  AND YOU KNOW ITS TRUE AND THAT’S A FACT!  Love that line.  I love this chick getting it on with other chicks too.  Fat life sized cats are kinky.

I bet you Meat Loaf wouldnt’ lose weight for love.  Or give up his booth at shakeys.

How’s the overweight lion buy a house, let alone pay taxes for it?

How long has this crazy bitch been living in this house?  She’s changed like, 8 times now.  Why’s fat loaf got women’s clothes?

A FUCKING FLYING BED!

This crazy chick’s got a voice on her.  I bet you she’s living in like, Brazil now.  Crazy bitches love Brazil.  Check it on Wikipedia.

Why’s fat kitty running from the cops?  He’s got super powers!  They only got flash lights!

Why’s this video 8 freaking minutes long?  Here’s how the real video would have gone in real life:

1: Stalker werewolf peeps on hot chick
2: Cops tranq him and throw him back into the woods
3: Chubby cat goes back to pissing on trees.

VIDEO DONE!

I like the shorter one better.

Lady Gaga Manifesto Part 3!

posted by hervatski on Fri, 10/01/2010 - 00:00

That dumbass KESHA or some shit, whatever the fuck her name is, anywho, her song/s are getting bigger every day, like a boil on the asshole of America.  My point is, I need to further my manifesto on Lady Gaga’s wonderful song, “Bad Romance” before everyone forgets the song even exists and goes back to making love to Hotel California, or whatever it is old folks do over at Leisure World in Seal Beach.

The thing with Bad Romance, is it’s a story, and it’s math, put together.  NONE of you notice this!  You just continue to swerve in between lanes as you hear this song because you want your Hyundai to dance to the music like you only dreamed you could!

I’m hopped up on chili, and ketchup, so some of this isn’t going to make sense.  Just sit tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite, and SHUT THE FUCK UP while I educate!

Let me break down how a story works, ok?

A story works like this: if it’s entertaining, and keeps your interested, it’s a good story.  If it loses it’s appeal, it sucks.

This isn’t rocket science.  You thought I was going to come down off the mountain with stone tablets of pop music wisdom?  GO TO CHURCH!

No, as with everything in life, if something gets stale, it gets boring.  If it’s boring, you lose interest.  If you lose interest, you go away.  That’s a large part of why marriages fall apart.  People think that just because you’re married, you HAVE to stay married to this person, and you don’t have to put any effort into it, since they’ll never leave.  So you start to neglect that person as you focus on other things, since you believe they’ll always be there.  That sort of thinking is equivalent to…fat.  You don’t have to work to maintain fat.  It’s just there.  It’ll be there whether you like it or not.  Muscle, though, is attractive but you have to work towards it.  You have to constantly be aware of the state of your muscles or else they’ll go away.  So you put a lot of effort into maintaining these muscles, and, you’re rewarded for it.  But if you treat a marriage like fat, and just expect it to be there without you giving any sort of effort towards it, slowly it all turns ugly.  Treat a marriage like a muscle, instead of a fat, and you’ll cherish it every day!

*DISCLAIMER* Fat people aren’t ugly.  If you read it as such, you need to go outside and get some fresh air or something.

Bad Romance is NOT ugly.  It’s the musical equivalent of Mr. Universe times TWO.  THREE maybe if it sucks in it’s stomach just a LEEEETLE bit.  Bad Romance works extremely hard to make you interested in it, for the entire duration of the song.

See, other songs have a good chorus, some filler shit, then the chorus all over again.  You simply wait for the chorus to come back so you can enjoy it again.  These songs are forgotten, and only remembered in quick instances at alcohol fueled parties/clubs, but by then, you’ve forgotten what you were listening to and are trying to remember what your keys are doing in the toilet.

Let’s take an example of a popular song that you once loved, but is now kind of annoying:

See, the whole fucking song is annoying.  All you wait for is the stupid chorus.  At clubs, the DJ starts to play this garbage and everyone just gets a little excited, but then the chorus starts up and everyone goes nuts!  All the chicks in the crowd start to get jazzed because they think this song is playing FOR THEM!  They believe that they’re finally released from the shackles of their life and will reclaim their God given RIGHT to party till they see the sun light!

WRONG!

You work at AVIS Rent-a-Car!  Get over yourself!  You aren’t starving in Canada, your life is GOOD.  There are people with REAL problems in their lives.  If you don’t have a REAL problem stop dancing to this SHITTY SONG!  Your dance moves suck and your purse is played out OH NO HE DI’NT!

Anywho, this same syndrome happens with Bon Jovi’s, “Living on a Prayer” as seen below:

 

Same garbage happens again. You get slightly excited when you hear that intro, not because the whole song is good, but because you KNOW the chorus will eventually come and you can finally pee your pants as you jump up and down like a fucking moron.

WRONG!

BON JOVI LIVING ON A PRAYER IS A FLAWLESS SONG FOR THE AGES! LONG AFTER EVERYONE HAS FORGOTTEN YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO THIS WORLD BON JOVI WILL LIVE ON! HE’S ETERNAL! HE’LL NEVER DIE! HIS HAIR WILL GIVE RISE TO THE NEW GENERATION OHHHHHHHH WE’RE HALF WAY THERE!

Superman.

Anywho, that KESHA song is bullshit and you know it.  Waiting for a chorus is SHIT.  That’s why Bad Romance is GOLD!

Wait hold on I’m still listening to Living on a Prayer…oooooooo we gotta hold on!  Ready or not!  You live for the fight but that’s all that you got!  WHOOOAAAA WE’RE HALF WAY THERE!  WHOOOAAA LIVING ON A PRAYER!

You all have it in your head now, don’t you?

Watch the video as you read the below!!!

 

Bad Romance starts off pretty innocently.  Lady Gaga starts going oooooo and shit.  Then she announces the song like a rapper announces their name.  Then it all goes ra ra ra ah ah ah gaga ooo la la la and then the beat hits, right?  She repeats again but what’s that?  You hear LINCOLN LOGS hitting each other!  There’s that over the beat!  Then she sings right?  She’s saying how she wants some man/woman/it something, she want’s your lav lav lav lav she wants your lav.

Then she goes into this whisper, then she goes I WANT YOUR LOVING I WANT YOUR REVENGE YOU AND ME CAN HAVE A BAD ROMANCE! and then continues the chorus, right?  Awesome chorus right?  So you’re like “Fuck, can’t wait till that chorus comes back!  I gotta go through some garbage now, right?

WRONG!

She does the whole ra ra ra thing but there’s a dude’s voice behind it now!  It’s DIFFERENT!  Now she’s singing more, but they’re NEW words, with different SOUNDS in the background now!  Hear that “HEY!” sound?  That’s to add MORE variety into the background.  Now the “CAUSE I’M A FREE BITCH BABY!”  Tt’s to add more diversity to the SAME thing you heard before!!!  Now the chorus!  But it’s different!  There was a slightly different lead in!  Now the OOHHHHHH part, right?  And you’re thinking one last thing of singing right?  NO!  She goes RA RA RA RA thing again and now more story?  NO!  She pulls back!  MOVE THAT BITCH CRAZY!  It’s a CHORUS within a CHORUS!  GENIUS!  Now she wants your love, and we’re reaching a crescendo it’s building up, the sound in the back is building, she doesn’t want to be friends DAMNIT SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE FRIENDS!!!  WHY’D YOU POO A ROMANCE!  CHORUS TIME!!! Now you’re fully into it and she’s emphasizing words now, she didn’t do that before!  WHY’D YOU POO ROMANCE!  WHY’D YOU POO ROMANCE!!! OHHHHHHOHHHHHHH CAUGHT IN A BAD ROMANCE!  Now she ends the song, with the ra ra ra thing BUT NOW WITH CLAPPING!

Fuck, I wrote that whole thing AS the song was going, my hands hurt :(

The thing is, she takes a normal song, and every so often, adds a slightly new element to make that repeated portion of the song, DIFFERENT than the previous one.  This is how she keeps your interest through the entire song, and how you find SLIGHTLY newer things in it each time you listen to it.  If you listen to Living on a Prayer, you’ve heard the same thing the 1,000th time as you did the first.  But with Bad Romance, she tells a story a LITTLE different each time you hear it, so it keeps you intrigued through the entire thing!  It’s genius!  It’s storytelling mixed with math!  There’s an equation to her song, and I’ve figured it out!  I can’t write it down, it’s in my mind, but it’s in there and I know, I KNOW man!

Can she duplicate this level of genius again?  Probably not.  It would take a leap of creativity even I might not be capable of.  Am I the smartest man in the world?  Yes I am.  Will I solve your problems?  Ok, but we have to listen to Bad Romance first.

I want to marry Lady Gaga.  I would flex that muscle every day.  Also, she’s rich, and I’d like a BMW.

This concludes this part of the Lady Gaga Manifesto.  Will there be others?  I’m not sure.  I pretty clearly described the genius of Bad Romance.  If you didn’t get it then, you’ll never get it.  Just enjoy the song, and be thankful that she’s using her powers for good.

Pages