warning: if you bitch about my grammer, a german will terrorize your pee hole.
chipies. that's all. i think that's how you spell it. not chips, not chippers, chippies damnit! fudge. mmmm.....
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so here we go. was there blatant product placement in the matrix? or was it just that the film makers wanted it to be as real as possible? and to do so they used normal products you'd find in real life? or, and this is a theory that is NEVER used, but did they just do it for money? no one ever thinks of the money. ever. money. never ever money ever. sometimes.
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so i'm watching the matrix and i'm thinking "wow, they should have made sequels" and whalla! on tbs there's a sequel after that! and i come to learn there's been TWO sequels! then i'm like "i gotta stop doing drugs."
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So, why so long with the update? well, me and a friend of mine are redesigning the website. it'll have some of the same looks as this one, but different. a bit more versatile. it'll have a poop hole for starters. or it might not. my poop plans are vast and complex.
you know what i want that would make me really happy? 5 bucks. and i've got 5 bucks i think! my eff button isn't working, so i'm using a different letter. buck.
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so i'm watching naruto. yes on a saturday night, shut up! in anycase, they use weird names. saske. naruto. japan. such bullshit weird words. it's like, fucking ay. use normal words like "oh yeah!" and "uh...uh...harder!" shit, gotta turn that off when i post.
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There's some new ass juice. they're both old, as i've either forgotten to include them, or i've just....forgot. i honestly thought there was something else, but i don't remember. ah well.
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I've just eaten mexican food. Those who visit this page, phil, know my love for mexicans and their food. There's something about hte arrangement of the food, not so much the food. each seperately sucks, but when you put chips, then carne asada, then cheese, then guacamole and you've got the best food on the planet. earth, that is.
i've realized that some people don't like caca and masturbation humor. i don't cater to those people!
caca for everyone!
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chocolate covered macadamia nuts. is there anything on this planet better? i argue: yes. but still, they're delicious.
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girls DON'T do that, and they DON'T look like that.
porno has really warped my reality.
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I was going to say king of queens pisses me off, but it's alright. the episode was about them being far in debt, cause the lady spends so much on expensive clothes or some shit. so when the dude finds out, and tells her, she gets pissed that he looked through her stuff...
....i thought they were married, but whatever. i mean, i think its normal to have a loved one constantly monitored using cameras and high powered satelites, but that's just me. she later says she was wrong, and he was wrong for like, breaking the house or some shit. i don't know why i'm explaining all this. though the seinfeld dad guy is fucking hilarious. HILARIOUS!
its almost walking time. i've decided to walk off some of the weight, then go back to jogging. the world does not need another stay puff marshmallow man running around.
and i swear, if 4 guys start shooting me with lasers again, i'm gonna be PISSED.
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i waste a lot of creative juices on this blog. lots of it. and spit. i spit everywhere too. when i get angry i just start spitting.
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remember when regis feldman...fieldman, whatever, regis was hailed as the savior of abc? remember? and do you see how abc is almost complete shit now? that's why you don't make false idols people.
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I've been pretty steady on updating this shit lately, which is surprising. surprising because i'm naked, and i don't remember how.
i almost won a spelling bee once. only it wasn't a spelling bee, it was jump rope. and i lost. how do you lose at jump rope? j-u-m-p r-o-p-e BITCHES!
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why do people refer to hollywood as hollywood? hollywood is pretty much in burbank and like, beverly hills or century city or some shit. not hollywood. what's in hollywood? hookers and homeless people. i LIVE near hollywood, that's what hollywood is. and that's why i have crazy homeless hooker parties.
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i just got a new wallet. it's like, 5 feet long no kidding. i'm pretty sure i can fight crime with this thing.
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I just updated, then lost it. i think that was the first time ever for that to happen. i need a smoke, wheeeeewwwww!!!
greatest show ever? the one in my head when i see a cute chick walk by.
i mean, greatest porno ever. sorry.
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it's taco time tonight. i think. if i could marry taco, i would. if taco were underage, and i could marry it in some foreign land, by walking around a table holding the taco's hand, well...fuck...i miss full house.
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the world is getting dumber. or i'm getting smarter. quite a predicament, huh? either you're a dumbass, or you're saying i'm smarter than you. oooooo i'm sexy.
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My stomach hurts. so i ate a snickers. it's an ancient croatian secret. do something to make the pain go away. and since i don't have a nail and a big mac, well, the snickers will do.
one day, if i become really rich, i'm going to buy a truck load of bubblelicious. i'm gonna have hot naked chicks unwrap the wrappers in front of me. though they'll be dressed in parkas and big boots. as to create more excitement in my crotch. and i'm going to take like, 4 bites of each piece, then spit it out. i'm going to have an hour long orgy of the first tastes you get from a new piece of bubblelicious. and i'm going to do it while cursing the 50 cent price tag that does not let me afford more than a pack or two a week.
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So i'm changing the website soon. did i already mention that? should i scroll down? fuck it. i'll probably leave this up as a seperate button though. i want to preserve what i have done in the past. like the bottle of semen i've collected through the years, that is living below my bed.
horatio has grown to be an upstanding member of the semen bottle community. infact, he's on book 5 of the harry potter series!
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i just equated eating an apple with nuts to having sex with a pillow.
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It's the 17th, right? well, it isn't if you read this tomorrow. unless today is the 16th, and you read this tomorrow, and it is infact, the 17th. but nope, it's the 17th today. so stop dreaming and go back to studying. i don't know why i pay for your school at times like this.
what is for dinner you say? steak. what is on the menu afterwards you say? a gigantic crap. steak makes my farts smell....bad. not cool hand luke bad, as in "man, that's bad" but bad as in "fuck you, get out of my house you piece of shit!" well you know what father, i don't need you!
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i'm in the process of updating the site. i might keep the cookies and milk there still though. i mean, damnit, those cookies look good. if cookies was another word for sex, i'd like to eat and sit on cookies....having cookies....smurf-tastic.
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i've realized that hot weather and jumping jacks and dorritos all at once isn't good. one of those shouldn't be there.
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I got back from chicago last night after going to visit my Godfather for the first time and going to wizard world chicago the first time as well. what a freaking great weekend, i don't even have anything sarcastic to say! no really, a great time the entire weekend and no jokes can do it justice to how kick ass it was. serious. no jokes. why are you still reading this? go play with yourself!
sometimes i want to be superman. but...i can't handle that large a penis.
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i don't like to toot my own horn...
but if i don't no one will. and if i don't toot it, i might get a bacterial infection there. cause it needs to be cleaned sometimes.
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As i move through this life, i have made it a point to never sell out.
oh who am i fucking kidding. i'd sell out for 10 dollars.
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I have been sick...all....weekend. Let me give you a back story. I finished work and met up with a friend. We decide to get some cheap food, but at the cheap food place, there were too many people. So we went looking for pizza. Which we found. It tasted....weird....but that was alright. finished up, picked up my comics, dropped my friend off at his house. Then i felt a rumble in the jungle. yes. that's what i call it when my stomach becomes upset.
So i decide to visit my friendly neighborhood bathroom. which is the bathroom...in my house. "i'm only stopping by" i said. "oh nuh uh!" my toilet shouted, then snapped it's fingers twice in the air. "odd" i thought. Odd that my toilet not only talked, but had fingers to snap with.
It's 3 days later, and i am finally out of the bathroom. there were nights when i cursed the pizza and all it's cheasy goodness stood for. yeah, i know i didn't spell it correctly. that's my revenge for the pizza thrashing i received on friday.
but....but how could i say that about my pizza friend? it's taken the place that should have been reserved for friends, family, and lovers many, many times! oh pizza i love you! explosive diarhea or not!
i took like, 4 shits in a row yesterday when i got home. it wasn't while i was on the toilet either. its like "i'm done....damn..." walking away and "uh oh....fuck..." and i run back. 4 fucking times.
IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!
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i gotta learn how to make websites. so i can try and sell my comic over the net. not like "sell comics and buy mansion" more like "sell a couple and just get my name out there a tiny bit." but i can't make a bread sandwich, let alone a fucking website.
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Got back from san diego comic con. so fucking fun. met some cool people, met some people i know in person for the first time which was fucking AWESOME. and got drunk 4 nights in a row. didn't think i could do it, but i did. and i'm so proud of myself. then a bomb threat was called in to a place next door to where we were on sunday, and whalla, what a way to call it a weekend and make the trek home, eh?
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Fuck, i missed all of june. This site is so easy to update, yet so hard to muster up the ability to make penis and caca jokes. i mean, fucking ay. there's gotta be a time where i run out of shit. Probably when i just finish taking a poop. then i'm out of shit for the time being.
too many reality shows on the tv. that nanni show? fuck that. just slap the kids. and if the parents complain, just edit the fuck out of the show. so its like, one second, wild kids. next second, quiet kids sitting in chairs. with black eyes. and everyone just sits around uncomfortably with the nanni saying her job is done and that she needs to go back to england. then one of the kids is about to say something then the nanni looks back quickly and then there's a jump in the film and when it comes back one of the kids is missing and the nanni is a little fatter. but then you realize that the kid just went to the bathroom and the nanni just ate 22 pies.
that would rock. 22 pies.
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you ever taken a crap and what came out is EXACTLY what came in? like, you ate a taco and took a crap, and a fully prepared taco complete with cheese, salsa, and lettuce, pops out and is sitting there in the toilet?
me neither. but that was SO rock.
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stupid fantasy baseball. i don't care much ABOUT baseball as much as i care about stats and winning. i guess that's like most sports. take marbles.
and stuff em up your ass.
didn't see that coming huh? neither did your ass. check please.
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Whoa i'm tired. played ultimate frisbee 2 times this past weekend. What is ultimate frisbee you say? It's like soccer, but with frisbee's and you can't run and you can't really be called a soccer hooligan...cause its frisbee, not soccer.
and there's a frisbee involved.
seems like its a food network day on the website today. i'm watching a show where the lady made a sandwich. thats it, a sandwich. finally i thought, a dish i can actually make!
so i'm thinking she's going to bust out some salame, mustard, lettuce, etc. etc. no. she busts out a large piece of meat. fine i thought. puts butter, salt (like, 3 gallons worth i kid you not) and pepper. she puts it in the oven. fine, fine fine. easy enough.
she next makes a gestapo. or gespacho. whichever one isn't a feared german paramilitary force. i don't even know what's IN the shit originally, but she goes further and says she doesn't want to "puree" the shit so that there is some texture. y....eahhh....
Then she takes out some blue cheese and an assortment of crap that i couldn't buy with a week's worth of work. in any case, she makes some ambrosia or some crap.
she then takes out the meat that has transformed into some ultimate being of taste and flavor. she cuts it up, places it on whole wheat kryptonite bread. puts the cheese extreme on top of the meat, then puts some fancy lettuce on that, coats the next piece of bread with butter (so as to keep the bread moist.....the fuck...) and whalla: super sandwiches.
i'm not even going to get into her brownies (THAT AREN'T MADE OUT OF A BOX!). then she says she has a special guest on the show. tom cruise? president jimmy carter? no. her buddy who decorates tables for a living. bah. again i'm depressed that one: the sandwich wasn't made with turkey. and two: fidel castro didn't show up for dinner. bah. fuck that. food network confused and elated me again. you win this round. and every round before food network.
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i'm not done with food programs. it's always made me pissed off with the shit they use to make the dishes. i'm sitting there in my kitchen with a plate, a dull knife, and a ninja turtles color changing cup that i received on the side of cookie crispy cereal....i think that was the cereal. the cereal that were tiny chocolate chip cookies. in any case, some lady is trying to make filet mignon in an herb vinegrete wine sauce over a bed of roasted tuscan potatoes with a very small hint of a basil butter cream sauce.
so there i am crushing garlic with my ninja turtles cup, cutting the steak with my dull knife. excuse me, i mean bruising the top of the steak with my knife that won't cut so instead im beating the shit out of it with the handle. and instead of wine im using coke. instead of garlic i'm using gram crackers and instead of a herb vinegrete i'm using water.
and as i sit there staring at this monstrosity that not even GOD himself would give birth to, i quickly realize that i shouldn't be cooking, let alone watch the food network at any time where i'm hungry.
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Something about cooking shows weird me out. Usually it's a dude or a girl standing there preparing food talking to the camera. and everyone on the set has to be quiet. now, there's a lot of things wrong with this. one: nothing funny happens. what, does the chick go "whoops! i placed the garlic in the merlot sauce instead of the white zinfendel stew!" and the whole crew erupts in laughter? no. no they don't. they sit there and think of various ways to staple their dicks afterwards because its infinately more fun than taping this shit.
two: something is just inherently wrong with talking to a camera while making food. i don't know why. it's like you're making food for a machine. no. robots should be making US food! and we should reward them with penzoil 5W-30 synthetic motor oil. because we care.
three: i doubt the stupid fuck making the food gives any to the crew. they probably eat it up while talking to their machine buddy all the while the camera is making little screeching and motor noises, it's way of laughing, at the sad dick stapling crew. poor guys.
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I've realized. even if i update this thing once a month, as long as i live for 2 million years, i'm going to have one kick ass website.
star wars is going to be released soon. fuck that shit. know how many times im gonna have to hear that the movie didn't suck ass? not that the movie is going to be good, but that its not going to suck shit. how the fuck is that an accomplishment? did we build this crap up so much that NOT sucking shit is an achievement? hey, i don't stick feces in my mouth and suck, give me 300 million dollars! on second thought, i'd probably drink piss for about $3.50.
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i love jeopardy now. they have the best of people on. the dudes who won a shit load before, now they get to come back cause they know how manys swords constantine had on a tuesday 3 years before he invaded some place. come to think about it, i think alex trebeck is an illegal immigrant from mexico. it is my belief that he is a vast coverup for illegal immigrants. so when they're crossing the boarder, they just yell "LOOK! ALEX TREBECK!" and the border patrol look the other way as the the immigrants run off. i know i would look that way, cause fuck, what's alex trebeck doing on the fucking border?
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i want to go to a bbq restaurant that has like, real ribs. not that bullshit baked in the oven bullshit. fuck that. im talking about barbequed crap where the sauce is burned slightly! just like mother used to make! well, mom still makes them, she just hasn't made them lately.
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So it's wrestling night. im gonna take some home made spaghetti sauce that is made with italian sausages and bell peppers and put some mixed vegetables and cheese in it. mmmm.....snausages...
some of my family members read this thing. i thought "tone it down? or keep it real?" the below post says it all.
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ever have a pimple on your face and you want to pop it, but you realize if you do, it might make more pimples but you can't help it and you pop it and rub the puss all over your face in an orgy of ecstasy? then you show up later with many more pimples and wonder how it could have all gone so wrong? you too? we'll i tried that with my genitals one day, and lo and behold, i don't have 22 penis's along my leg. i wanted the fat extreme porno cash that comes with having a penis tree on your leg, but no, still no penis tree. oh the drama.
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People ask me "hey cliff" (i don't know why they call me cliff either). "how come you write all funny like? like, how come you capitalize certain things and don't others, and you use like, like a lot" and i go "cause thats the way i roll homes. fo sho nuff holla sucka y-yeah." and that usually either sets them straight, or has them grab their balls in sheer excitement. either way, someone gets off on it, and its usually me.
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What is this? another update? 3 in a row? the fuck? the fuck i say! that's actually how a german initiates conversation. "THE FUCK!" i know, cause i've been privy to some germans and "the fuck" and let me tell you, it's not pretty. It's beautiful.
I'm not witty.
eh? eh?
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home made chili fries and wrestling for dinner. if they can like, incorporate chili fries INTO wrestling...i just might need a large bucket and a minute to myself.
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So my computer at work is slow. its actually faster than mine at home, but with all the safety bullshit on it, its fucking slow. and there's nothing that pisses me off more than a slow computer. i want to grab my nuts and squeeze squeeze squeeze in sheer unbritled anger when i am at a slow computer. they're meant to make things faster. i want to see boobies NOW not later. i want to "accidentally" stumble upon naked me....women...NOW not later.
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Stupid spam email. i get one titled "2,4,6,8 who do we appreciate? mom." and i immediately think "Fucking brian. another mom joke, and this one was pretty good." but no, that email was from wal mart. wal fucking mart. so i have to put up with brian making fun of me AND a multi billion dollar company? its enough i have to deal with the mcdonalds analogies with his mom. do i even have to go into the billions and billions served?
So since my birthday about a week or so ago, i've had 3 cakes. one on my birthday, one my sister's boyfriend made, who's some super chef, and one for me and my sister since our birthdays are around the same time. and let me tell you something after eating all that cake...there's never enough cake.
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Alright. i wake up today. disoriented like always. but i see my wallet next to me. and i think i have to turn off the alarm, which is my cell phone, but the cell phone is in the kitchen. so i reach over to my wallet and reach for something under my atm card, slipping my fingers below it, get pissed, then take out my atm card and then i pause...and i realize, "what...the fuck am i doing?" but it made perfect sense to me to take my atm card out. to fan myself. honestly, i was fucking confused. and im always confused, so for me to get confused like this, it would have made a normal person turn insane. but instead i laughed and thought "stupid atm card, you're too small to fan me."
i gotta lay off the cake.
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So, i work out a lot. yet i can't get past certain weights. i was at 318 about 5-6 months ago. now im down to 290. so not bad? right? but like, you look at me and go "dude, that guy cannot be 290. he's a slim 288" and im all like "mom, stop calling me dude."
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I've got an ass juice! from april 2nd! the fuck? lord, i neglected the important things in life.
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I have really got to keep up on this stuff. but no motivation. until p-kizzle, or whatever, said he's been keeping up with my page while in england, but NO UPDATES! how could i sit here and neglect the webpage while that poor boy is in a foreign land? oh poor patty. i'll update this every day for you. i'll also grab my nippes every hour on the hour so my nipple energy travels accross the atlantic and directly to you.
hmmm...nipple power...that could be a kids cartoon one day.
sometimes i dream of being a boy, flying in the air, without a care in the world. Then in my dream i see a naked woman, and i quickly become a man and my weight makes me plummet to the ground. and since i had a hard on and i landed on my stomach, i start crying. then i wake up and realize i did have a hard on and rolled over weird and now i have a pain in my crotch that gentle massaging won't cure.
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i love lemon squares. more than like...lolipops. whoa whoa whoa...yes, even red lollipops. honestly.
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Getting back into shape. did pushups and sittups. how am i typeing this? i have no idea. i'd just my feet to type it, but come on, sanitary! SANITARY! i think i'll yell that at people for now on. like, if i see someone picking their butt, just yell "SANITARY!" or someone who's shaking someone's hand: "SANITARY!" then quickly rub my nuts while yelling SANITARY!
so michigan state won. but do you know what? i think we're all a winner. unless you didn't buy a lottery ticket. them im afraid....that you are a loser. just like me. i didn't buy a lottery ticket. instead i spent the 1 dollar on a snickers bar, trying to win tickets to some sporting event, but even the wrapper said i was a loser. oh mars inc., how you know me so well.
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I was watching the ashley simpson show. notice "was"? because the show makes me angry. fucking reality shows. want reality? come to my house. give me a camera. sure, all of the footage would be me drunk spinning the camera and passing out and throwing up, but america wants to see that. see what? my naked ass. did i mention i'd be naked and drunk? is there another way to be drunk? i think not. look back to the medevil times. you know, like, medevil. they were all naked throwing up in vomitoriums and having orgies. wait, that was the 70's. man, the 70's rocked.
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Easter today. Church then eat then sitting. Good food yum yum. I should have dunked everything on my plate in ketchup. so when someone in my family goes "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" i can say "in the name of the lord, this steak is blessed." blessed steak tastes weird.
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Celebrated my mommy's birthday today. So what did we do today to try and make her feel more at home and relaxed, this the day of her birth? we fed her as much wine as we could to make her drunk. now, feeding my mom wine to get her drunk basically entails giving her a cup of wine. ats about it. so after a cup or two of wine, she's napping on the couch. good. because my sister made a krispy kreme cake and that means more for me.
you ever wash clothes before? its not pretty. oh crap...i'm thinking of pissing myself, not washing clothes. nevermind.
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so im going to play ultimate frisbee later today. what is ultimate frisbee you ask? like football, but with a frisbee. see, i think people think its funny when an object that you can barely control gets blown off course by the wind (we're playing at a park near the mountains, oh there WILL be wind). so basically im gonna run around for a couple hours and then go home and jerk off or write. although both are synonomus. fuck, i spelled that wrong i tink.
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So i just woke up. had a weird dream with madonna. also had dennis quaid too. something about we were trying to find a plane that had crash landed and get some valuable cargo off of it. but all he did was take like, a piece of the exterior of the plane and thats it. next thing i know im at a basketball game and i make a 3 pointer. now im at home downloading porno (still in the dream) on the laptop and my mom find the laptop but whalla, no porno. then i try and take a picture with my sisters camera that she bought in the dream, which her friend also has, but its the shittiest camera ever. all of a sudden the tiles on the ground are part of the camera. now im back at the basketball game, near the lockers. everyone is taking a picture with madonna and i take two. then i wake up and take a shit. kinda fits the realization to the dream huh? taking a shit?
Mexican food. is there any better type of food? no. that is the answer. no. i will no believe there is a type of food better than mexican food. well, there is, but it isn't created it. its bacon food. food cooked entirely of pan cooked bacon. kinda like the monty python piece with spam, but substitute spam with bacon. bacon bacon bacon bacon eggs bacon. mmmmm...bacon.
so i got mexican food tonight. i must have eaten a pound of beans because my balls are sweaty and hanging low. they only do that when i've eaten a baby's weight in beans. not a normal baby either, like, a 22 pound baby that must have destroyed the poor mom's vagina baby. those babies. i eat that much beans. and i say, why not? God made beans right? so if i eat beans, i eat God's food....ok im lost on this one too. i don't know whether to fart or pray.
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new ass juice! fuck. i don't remember when the last one was, but this one is short. fuck...when DID i update the last one? well, we'll find out. hit ass juice already bitches!
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WHHHAAAT? i updated this shit a week ago? i could have sworn it was longer than that. fear not, im gonna get back into the swing of updating this shit. and with more beefy updates rather than the bullshit "i ate food. food made me poop" stories. i mean, they'll still be there, but now i'll just describe the shit more.
what? above! yes. renaissance man page. what will be there? maybe 1 thing then it won't get updated until issue 2 comes out, months from now. that...THAT is dedication! and THIS is a computer.
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Wizard World LA is tomorrow. I'll be selling Renaissance Man there. how many? well, im guessing......7.
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Soooooo....yeah. a helicopter was circling my block for like, 1/2 an hour. quiet neighborhood. either they found someone who had a shit load of stolen porno (which they DIDNT tell me about damnit!) or they chased someone down and caught them. huh...i pray it wasn't someone sent from the future to warn us about the raiders winning the superbowl and how we need to stop them or every car in los angeles is going to carry raiders colors. why would that matter? because i would sport them too, and my burgandy car wouldn't look good with those colors. he came back to tell me just that. what a brave future man.
i've eaten taco yesterday and today. will probably eat it tomorrow. why do i love taco so much? maybe as much as boxes. tacos and boxes. i am not using euphomisms at ALL.
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80's music was great. for a lot of it, it was about the music, the money, and the coccaine. which makes for great pop music. coccaine. i mean, when you're high on crack, you start singing about ANYTHING. i mean, you ran? you ran so far away? couldn't get away? fuck...thats BRILLIANT!
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why do i have a toy from the incredibles on my desk? why is it from a mcdonalds happy meal? why am i thinking of little paper boxes that look like houses? did birdie live in a little house? grimmace must be pissed. he loves her you know. whoa...where was i going with this.
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No idea what to post about. how about chocolate? its bad for you! i just wanted one piece but the heart shapped box TOLD ME TO EAT MORE! SO I DID! why do boxes have such a hold over me?
eat right and exercise they say
eat shit and die they say
live fast die young they say
take a number and go to the back of the line they say
preheat for 20min before serving they say
do not ingest anally they say
not for children under 3 they say
a penny saved is a penny earned they say
why don't they just say somethinga AND STICK TO IT! eat bacon and jackoff is what they should say! hmm...jacking off WITH bacon...even better.
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i can't think of anything else to write here. except for the fact that my lower eyelid has been spasming for a few days now. don't know why. fucking ay its weird and cool at the same time. at what point in ones's life does a spasming lower eyelid turn from "something cool" to a "medical problem that needs to be looked over by a doctor." well, its not 24 years of age, thats for sure.
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So i've lost another 5 pounds. alltogether im down 23 pounds. Ima keep going until i reach brad pitt level. then i'll like, pretend to be him to get free sausage biscuits at mcdonalds. sure they'd wonder "Why is brad pitt getting free sausage biscuits at mcdonalds? and why is he pleasuring himself with the hash browns?" and i'll be all like "ketchup?"
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Wow. look who cleaned up their site. ITS ME YOU IDIOT! FUCK! I moved everything left from 2004 to the archives section, which took me hours. so the page should load quicker. its quicker to type shit on here thats for sure. fucking ay. FUCING AY! yes i know i left out the K!
Damnit. sometimes when i update this shit i see the dude with the cookies and milk in the background and i get all giddy then i realize i don't have cookies and milk available to me. then i get all depressed and im THIS close to just taking a grand the the mall, going to the mrs. fields cookie store and yelling "ALL OF IT!" as i throw the money at the lady behind the counter and start humping the pans of cookies. then i realize "no! no john! food goes in your MOUTH not in your pee-pee!"
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So i'm thinking of changing my website. to something with more "buttons" cause i like "buttons" on webpages. and i need these "buttons" for future uses. yet, i don't know how to program shit. i know how to make a burrito, thats about it. making burritos gets you really far in life. because, well, anyone who can put meat in a bun and sell it for a nickle deserves my respect and admiration. wait, what was i talking about?
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work tomorrow. i think i'll go to bed early, so i can get up early, and do more work! and then i'll climb the giant beanstalk to happy land because thats about as likely as me doing extra work!
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Superbowl today. and who won? i think, in a way, we all did. i mean, we all didn't. did it seem weird that dudes who landed on normandy and probably don't have enough money for their meds walk past dudes getting paid millions of dollars to hit other men? shit, give me 5 bucks and i'll stick my thumb up a dude's pooper. wait, where was i going with this?
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Well, another glorious sunday, full of surprises. like when my alarm went off. or when i realized i wasn't in a land of boobies and chocolate, ridding the nipple highway.
Damn.
what i ate since 5pm today:
chili cheese chips
cheetos
those little oatmeal sandwich soft thingys
terriaki beef jerky
twix bars
pad thai
chicken wings
almond milk tea with boba
what this will create: lots and lots of caca. MOUNDS of caca. thank you.
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I have a comic coming out? YES I HAVE A COMIC COMING OUT! you can see the message board for it here:
Renaissance Man
and i do some web-comics over at:
John's Crotch
Check em out, although the people who visit this place already know of those things. meaning you'll be checking out something you already know, and aren't amused about, just like me in the mirror.
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so in the past er...3 months? i've lost about 22 pounds. i ate a lot of junk food today, so maybe just 20 by tomorrow morning. what does that mean? i can now go into mcdonalds and scream "ONE!....OF EVERYTHING!" and instead of them giving me a look of "what's this tubby fuck saying?" they'll give me a look of "what's this slightly tubby fuck saying?" ah...victory.
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Whoa. what was that, about 2 months of not posting anything? did i forget about my webpage? hell no! did i leave it out without any food or like, water or something? YES. is it alright, yeah, should be. onwards to more posting!
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